I’m Fine

In life sometimes we get dealt bad cards but it’s how we make it through the cards dealt will determine our future. Currently I am experiencing a dark place in my life it’s like a sinking hole of bad luck . How

Will I make it out of this storm alive is the question I often ask myself . Do I believe in Jesus yes and their are times just like now that I feel he had in fact forsaken me . I know he hasn’t because he is the very reason I wake up every morning, my bills get paid , opportunities unexpectedly come my way . He is the reason I have the faith to fight through this hurricane of life.

I think back from my childhood and I think what was the very thing I was missing and in fact it was , I always felt like I wasn’t wanted .

Let me explain my sister was a straight A student so she always made the principals list which in fact made my parents very happy . So they would compare us and only brag about her accomplishments which was always a focal point in everything we did but secretly it put me down . I never felt good enough because it was then people stopped asking me how I felt , it became clear I was never a priority just second to my sisters accomplishments. I was living in the shadows of being forgotten my parents were already divorced and I felt divided between two homes. Now I felt like a shadow in my own body although I was the first born but second or last to my parents conversations. I often felt as if I was the step child or the one who didn’t belong because I didn’t excel in school the way my sister did.

What I realized as I got older was that I wanted to feel important, wanted and needed I knew I wanted to have that with someone . Being wanted didn’t mean I wanted attention it’s me saying pay attention to me . I struggle with that because I have very few people who I feel genuinely care about who I am . I’m a giving person yet I do not receive the same gratitude back on my end and then I am left feeling unwanted and used . It’s now I revert back to feeling not good enough when will it be my turn mentality . When I got married I still didn’t feel important it just felt as if everyone was doing it out of connivence for the both of us . Nothing about my wedding felt genuine from the people I intended to receive it from I think that is the most hurtful to reflect upon.

His family finds a way to exclusively hurt me and intend to hurt me deeply at no cost to anyone else. When does it stop ? Will I ever be noticed or recognized in a way that doesn’t put me in danger of losing sight of who I am ?

I feel abused constantly when I give my time to others , people use you and then when you expect different they surprise you and make you feel like shit . I still don’t turn my back because that’s not who I am and honestly will holding a grudge make it any better? No it won’t but yet still I feel incomplete, incompetent and fucked over ! When I make it out of the storm I will remember the things the four people who have uplifted me through this tough time . They took time to check in with me , encourage me , stay when I needed them the most ! That is irreplaceable and the dedication and time spent with me kept me from entering a seeping hole of depression. When the storm ends I get to say the words “ this to shall past”.

In your busy days find time to think about someone other than yourself ! Reach out to the person who appears the happiest because chances are they are not as happy as they seem ,going through something within themselves that a picture , text or call can’t detect !

Singing off

XOXOXOXO

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s