Have you ever felt that you were good enough? Have you ever questioned your ability to succeed in life? Have you ever felt like you are stuck and you cannot find your way out? These types of thoughts have been arranged in my mind for the last 20 weeks and as honest as I am with myself I have to be honest with you. Does this mean I’m depressed? Does this mean I’m going through a early midlife crisis? Or does this mean I have self control issues?I had a conversation with a friend of mine and they told me that I like ,to be in control which doesn’t surprise me because I have a plan for my life. Does having control make me crazy I do not believe so. But I do absolutely have to be in control of everything that happens in my life I like to plan it out. I think the thought of me not being able to plan out something makes me cringe. As I write about how I feel I can only be real with you guys. This is hard for me to talk about, but somehow it has been on my mind to write about .
The person I had a conversation with asked me is my self-worth and my self driven motivation because I was raised that way or because I created that within myself. That was a powerful statement to me because I realized that I am absolutely too hard on myself. I am hard on myself because I know I deserve the best and I am the only person who can give myself that and if I do not work for it how will I ever achieve it. I think that my control issues come from lack of control of my childhood my parents divorced when I was very young and I did not have control over that. For some reason I find a connection there because now I like to have control but I am not a control freak over my decisions that I make about myself just my life plans. Let me be clear my parents divorcing kind of ruined my happy family or what I perceived as happy. From that very moment my life was divided into two places at once one with my dad and one with my mom.My parents constantly argued and they could never agree on anything, it was then I realized I needed the control of my parents to help guide me but I didn’t have it. I believe I was around 14 years old when I realize that I liked structure and that I lacked structure in my life. My parents ripped that from my sister and I.
So the needing of structure created my control over my plan for my own life. I told myself that if I had a plan I could create structure for myself and then execute my plan.It worked and it still works but I’m wondering if my planning is hindering me from my future. I’m a planner, I like to make sure that things go accordingly to my goals I have for myself.
Does being goal oriented have something to do with my control issues?
My control issues doesn’t go beyond my own life plan our structure, I’m not a control freak when it comes to my relationship with my husband, family, home life, cleaning,etc. But it does in fact define who I am as a woman I am trying to learn how to go with the flow instead of planning so much. It is very hard for me because I did not have a very good example of that in my teenage years. I wanted to be better than my parents and I want that for my children. Neither one of my parents went to college both my sister and I are college graduates . You can say that we beat the odds but in fact we did what we we set out to do to make that example for our future children. I don’t know about my sister and how she may feel about her life plans regarding her control. But my sister is a very carefree spirit I envy that about her that she can do things on a whim, color her hair any color, and rock the hell out of an outfit. She is in fact one of a kind !
I want the confidence to feel confident and not having control over my life. I know that it is in fact a Brittany thing however I am trying to learn how to ease up on my control. I think that the control I want over my life is killing my future plans that I have for my life. I am writing this because I am sure I am not the only one right? I think that the roots of our childhood and the trauma from a damaged parental relationship can in fact effect the child . Now with me talking about giving up my control I have started. I have started small and that means clearing out what I envision to happen until it actually happens. I feel like the thought of me wishing and wanting is the reason why I don’t receive. And in fact I need to stand out and depend on my faith not question my ability to get there but question whether I want control over getting where I want to be in my my life . My number one goal this year is to allow things to happen knowing I have done everything I needed to do to allow it to happen . I need to trust me completely and let go of the fear of being rejected because I know that feeling oh so well , but continue to tell myself I am enough ! I AM ENOUGH! I AM ENOUGH!!