As I have become a woman I know what it is I like and don’t like . I know for a fact that I don’t like anyone to question my womanhood. Woman hood is something you build upon and you begin to create as you grow within life experiences and wisdom of your own . Have you ever been around someone who made you feel you had to second guess your purpose in the life of someone you love? Or have ever felt like that person questions your place in someone’s life? It’s a hurtful feeling and you begin to feel helpless , overwhelmed, disrespected, belittled or undermined. All those feelings can make a person feel less than .
I have never enjoyed other women who think it’s ok to manipulate other people around them to thinking they have to have control . Control doesn’t give you the authority to tell me what to do it only makes you feel like your in charge of things . A person who feels like they always has to be in control no matter the situation they have control issues clearly . Everyone and everything has to either comply with their demands or suffer with feeling like they don’t matter or even controlled into feeling that what that person who is trying to control is best . People who are like that have been taught that behavior but what I question is why am I threatened behind it ? Number one it upsets me clearly and it leaves me feeling as if I’m not capable of living up to that person expectations .
Even then I feel like I will fail and I struggle with being able to speak up because I have been taught to respect my elders and I clearly do . How can I respectfully tell someone to back off without saying what I really want to say. I know that I clearly need to set some boundaries and some clear expectations on how I would like to be talked to but I feel even speaking up wouldn’t change the way this person is behaving . She tends to do this to everyone around her and the whole family who are all obviously scared to confront her on her behavior , but why do we keep allowing it to happen ? Why because she feels like she can and has never been told off or about herself .
She is aware of it but intentionally thinks it’s ok to single me out , threatens my purpose , belittles my existence , disrespects and disregards my authority . Why come for me ? Maybe I’m a easy target ? But I know I have to speak up but afraid to do so more so puzzled on how to say the appropriate words without coming off disrespectful. The question is how do I set the tone to do that when I’m use to never expressing how I feel .
Truth is my father always belittled me and I feel it was intentional to make me feel terrible about myself in that moment . By calling me fat didn’t help the person I was at the time clearly overweight it only damaged my self esteem. My father does this thing like making everyone else feel like shit about themselves by having others think so highly of him . I never gave it any thought until I got older when he would try to control what I did and who I did it with . I allowed it to happen and never spoke up I shoved my feeling deep down and suppressed them so when he would say hurtful things it would only make me more numb . The hurtful things he said would eat at me for awhile and overtime I just ate them by consuming these words I allowed him to win power over my feelings about myself . I allowed him and gave him authority to say whatever to me without any consequences to how I felt at that moment which over time gave him the clear absolute right over my emotions and he knew it and took advantage over it .
It takes for this one thing to happen to me without knowing I am giving others powers over my own emotions . I am not in control of them which makes me feel like they don’t matter . Which they don’t to others , I have to stop giving them the power to rob me over something that is clearly my right . I have the right to feel how I feel at any moment , and should say so right away but I don’t . The reason being every single time I tried to speak up someone either over shadowed me and pushed me back in the shell or I never fully learned how to speak up for myself . Each year I get better over expressing how I feel but I can’t wait to reach a point where I can block it out and stop it .