Do You Want To Be A Mom?

The thought of being a mother makes my heart smile . I can’t wait to give my child /children all the things I could not have or have them experience the things I wanted to do ! I can say I am proud of myself to say I’m doing everything I ever wanted to and I’m about to have the career to match that feeling . But can you be spiteful and still be a mother can you be jealous and still be a successful mother ? Jealous mothers are the reason children often grow up to feel they are a mistake . I always felt like a mistake in my mother’s life . Wow that is hurtful to say right ? But It’s true and I promised you I would be true and honest ! I always felt I was living in my younger sisters shadow .

Mothers are the people you want to depend on , confide in , trust , learn and grow with they are often your best friend . For me it’s always been hard accepting that my mother and I don’t have the best relationship. Why ? Number one my mother was twenty one years old when she had me a single mother working two jobs . Two years later she married my sisters father and he helped raise me , he raised me as his own . My mother I feel doesn’t like the feeling of being alone , lonely or left behind as for any one else wouldn’t. But she needs a man to be great or to make her feel like she is great , some women are like that . My mother grew up in a happy home with two parents and five sisters being that she is the oldest she had to fight for attention . I don’t feel she felt she ever got enough attention and my grandparents had their children on a very short leash . My mother married young against my grandparents wishes and for those reasons they didn’t attend her wedding day . She was hurt I can imagine which had to cut pretty deeply . My mothers marriage last almost ten years of her life and it didn’t last for a number of things the list is way to long to share . When my parents split we moved with my mom and for the first time in my life I felt lost .

Being lost is a terrible feeling , I felt empty and very confused I knew things would change but really how bad could it get ? Well tables quickly turned and for the first time my mother had to stand on her own two feet to provide for my sister and I. I think it crushed my mother I watched her become bitter , nasty , spiteful , ignorant, belligerent, and all around disrespectful. She talked, walked and did so many things differently some how my mother had changed . The person she had become I started to despise quickly because of her demeanor.

She began working two jobs late hours and she was never home . I was forced to grow up so quickly to even be able to take care of my sister which I loved but I lost me . I learned how to prepare dinner , learn bath times , schedules and order i was responsible for getting up on time and making sure my sister and I didn’t miss the school bus . In mist of my mothers pain she became distant and didn’t check in with me anymore we would go days without really having a conversation because she was working so much . I lost my mother emotionally and I felt like I had disappeared I fought to be noticed my whole life and to this day my mother still is oblivious to it .

I want to think twice and maybe three times over before I become a mother it’s not a easy job but it’s worth it. I know I’m worth something and it took me about twenty six years to find that out, my mother forgot about me and that feeling still sits with me . I second guess myself and I always find myself seeking my mothers attention but she never notices. I feel invisible to her she is so busy consumed with her own life I feel she doesn’t know the woman I have become. I know she loves me that is no doubt about it but often when people are so wrapped up in their lives , own world, career , you name it they tend to neglect others around them unintentionally. I say unintentionally but I feel she does it intentionally sometimes but I could be wrong . The reason I love hard is because I want to be remembered, the reason I talk to my sister everyday is because I want her close to me , the reason I can’t sleep alone is because my whole life my sister and I have shared bed so I need someone next to me at night , the reason I don’t think I’m pretty often is because my father belittled my emotions growing up and the reason I don’t always feel good enough or worth it is because my mother never told me I love you enough . The sins of a mother will eat away at the fruit being the children and the past history will be all the child’s sees no matter the age !

Signing off [venting ]

XOXOXOXO

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