I wish my mom was way more supportive than she is , we are not close as I would like to be . My relationship with my step mother is healthier than my own actual birth mother and why is that ? Honestly I feel my mom resents me for having me earlier than expected rather anticipated. She had me when she was twenty one years old . She has never said that to me but that’s how I feel . When I’m feeling like I do today I just need a mother’s opinion i can’t even get one . So today I was having a good day which is rare being as though I am stressed at my current job, and I have already shared with you my hopes of finding a new job.

When having a good day is rare to come by and something messes it up I get upset as any normal person would . My emotions have been off lately between all the engagement anticipation,wedding and baby talk has me on a high although engagement hadn’t happened yet we have been ring shopping more than ever . My decisions involved with engagement plays the part of choosing what I do and do not like not choosing the day when he actually proposes . Recently over the weekend I got my ring sized since I have lost so much weight I know it has changed . As I expected it to but as a woman I over think and if your an over thinker than this post is for you !

Being asked to go shopping to pick out a perfect wedding dress is so exciting and I love wedding dresses . But it isn’t me who is shopping for it ! So yes I’m going to be very honest I am extremely jealous and because I’m envious of what she is getting ready to have . I just thought I was next in line but turns out I am not just yet I will be helping yet another one of his family members get married . I’m honored she chose me to help her find her perfect dress but I want her shoes . Let’s be clear being jealous isn’t me and the fact that it bothers me this much I feel a little bit shaken up and threatened by my own overthinking mind.

I know timing is everything, and I have heard patience is a virtue also the infamous quote “ good things come to those who wait “. I have heard it all but guess what it doesn’t take the jealousy away ! Putting on my best poker face today to help another woman who I am happy for get ready for her upcoming wedding . But in the midst of this I can’t help but to fantasize about my wedding and how I would shop for dresses but it isn’t me . I wish my mother could tell me something comforting but she can’t . She is very selfish and if it isn’t something related to how she is feeling than it is not of importance and I’m left feeling as if my feelings don’t matter . Which I feel that way a lot being shut down or shut up about my dreams , hopes and problems that I would love to share with her if she would just listen to me . All I want is to be listened to ! Isn’t it every woman’s dream to get married , and I just feel I have the very right to feel the way I am right now .

Am I wrong? Being jealous isn’t me and I’m not sure the reason I feel the need to want to be jealous ? I’m not a person who ever wants anything anyone has instead I’m the person who will give their last to someone. Finding comfort in the midst of feeling uncomfortable is hard and even harder when you want someone who has ever felt the same way as you come forward to give you some advice or their truth . People are very quickly to judge but often never willing to listen to really what’s going on or how your really feeling !

Signing off


One Comment Add yours

  1. Tikeetha T says:

    I think when we have expectations of other people we are often disappointed. I think that you should find a therapist to talk about your concerns with. I believe in therapy and I think it will help you be able to process all the things that you are going through and understand that even parents don’t have it all figured out.


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