Dear Mommy

Dear Mom,

I always wanted a perfect mother daughter relationship but my mom and I are so much alike it’s so hard to create. I love my mother but she is selfish with her affection, she was also very young when she became a mother at the age of twenty one years old. Growing up after my parents divorced my mom became very bitter and angry towards pretty much everything. My parents went through a nasty divorce when I was about the age of ten years old. My mom was broken she was physically broken and we had hit rock bottom. I wish I knew what I did to create the friction between my mom and I and for a long time I blamed her for breaking up my family, when I would feel that way my mom would reveal something spiteful about my dad then I would place the attention on him. My anger grew into pain and my pain grew into hurt especially when my mom started dating again. In fact every single boyfriend she ever had I hated them and treated them horribly I couldn’t stand the fact of her moving on.

My mom was very strict growing up she kept a tight leash on everything I did but she worked so much I would hardly see her anymore. Through the divorce, moving out, starting life over and raising two small children my mother changed tremendously. I only wish she paid more attention to me in the process of losing herself and everything my sister and I suffered in silence and then lost ourselves in that process. I would look around and wonder how all my friends have perfect relationships with their mothers and I struggled with even telling her about my day. I only wish my mother took more interest in me and what I wanted. I only wish I felt that when she began to date men that she wouldn’t put so much energy into them to take the attention off of me. I love my mother and how could she disappoint me by dating that took time from me I didn’t understand. She put a man before my sister and I and it was that moment I broke my silence. I started lashing out, skipping school, getting in trouble, sneaking boys in the house, and stealing. As a child all I wanted was to be listened to, I wanted to be heard not just with words but with the way you should show me. You missed so many events of my life such as band practices, college tours, parent involvement, girl’s scouts, softball games, band marches and competitions.

The day I turned eighteen I moved with my dad and his wife and not because I wanted to but because I didn’t like my mother and who she had become. I can’t be the only teenager who lost interest in their parents I felt betrayed, confused and lost. Deep down inside I felt as if my mother felt I ruined her life because she chose my life and had to grow up to become a mother rather than doing things people enjoy in their twenties. I always felt as if I was an outcast and she resented me for the fact of me wanting to better my life so it could be better than hers, but in my heart I knew that wasn’t true but it felt as if it was.
Over the years it has taken so much work to repair our relationship and it isn’t fully repaired but it’s the baby steps to get to the big picture. I have been so independent my whole life because my life forced me to become responsible at an early age; I became a latch key child at the age of ten years old and had to care of my six year old little sister. Who would take care of me? This letter isn’t to bash my mother she did what she needed to do to keep a roof over her children’s heads. But I only wished she paid more attention to me even now at twenty five years old I still want and need my mother’s approval for the things I want in life even if she doesn’t show interest. I fight to be heard and for someone to look at me and say the words “I’m proud of you”. I bust my ass day in and day out and I put my own self through college and I graduate in 2018 with my bachelor’s degree and in December 2018 my masters of human services. I have worked so hard to be where I am today; I owe it to myself to be proud of whom I am! I vow to always put my future children first because they will be my legacy I leave to be prosperous. My mother is beautiful, strong, over bearing, wild but she is my mother and I wouldn’t change her for anything in the world I love her very much! Thank you for listening so tonight hug your children, kiss your children , tell them you love them and spend time with your children so they never feel alone in the time they need you the most!

 

Signing off
XOXOXOXO

One Comment Add yours

  1. ljourneyl says:

    Indeed baby steps to big picture. You are so resilient. All the best to you!👍🏻

    Like

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