Part Two: Finding Me Again
Learning to love you is hard and the follow up work about being brutally honest with yourself is unbearable. To not love yourself is pure murder and it plays unpleasant mind tricks with your emotions. My feelings about how I looked was as if you were shopping and left a cart in the middle of aisle unattended left behind and you changed your mind on all the things you left in the cart basically damaged goods. I was always criticized for my every move which truly affected my self confidence and I allowed the comments get into my head and therefore believing them. I started to read books on self esteem and it was only then I learned how to meditate, this allowed me to escape my inner thoughts. I stopped watching TV, internet searching and basically stop taking full body shots of myself I was determined to LOVE ME. The thoughts of me not being good enough were manifesting into HATE and then ANGER I had to give up every single word I heard that allowed me to believe I wasn’t beautiful. So I went walking with 65 little pieces of paper and on them were words that I was called, words I had been told, and words that broke my spirit and I burned each word with a lighter. Each time I saw the flame I cried and with each word burning it was a weight lifted off my shoulders. Some of the Flaming Burning words were: ugly, less than, useless, BITCH, virgin, fat, stupid, insecure, jealous, envious, and spiteful.
As I watched the words burn my soul felt reconnected with who I was at that moment. I allowed the negative thoughts consume my brain and I allowed it to change who I was as a person and it then affected my character. Words broke me down and I allowed those exact words consume me which affected my everyday functioning. It didn’t happen overnight but I slowly started into baby steps first it was to read self help books and then it was time to put my words and learning into action. I joined an all women’s gym Lynne Bricks where I connected with powerful women on a journey of self healing and to create a better version of themselves. What I needed was to reinvent myself so that I was able to take myself seriously to start changing my life for good this time. Why did I choose an all women’s gym? I was broken and having a sense of community of women that all want the same thing as me felt just right. For the first time I felt I belonged. So I started working out four days a week and attending workout group classes to build my confidence of loving my body. I didn’t have the courage to work out alone just yet I needed the comfort of others working out with me so I could feel the energy in the room to transpire on to me.
It was only then I started to change my eating habits instead of a hamburger I had a salad and instead of fries I chose veggies. I began to build endurance over a course of a year to train my body to work out five or six times a week doing high intensity training. I didn’t see results right away it was such a process that took me out of every comfort zone I had ever been in I had lost fifty pounds in almost five months and my body felt better than ever. I rejoiced as I re-buttoned pants I wasn’t able to in over a year and I remember crying right then and there. I was crying because I was happy for the first time I felt what success was for me and not anyone else.
I lost nearly eighty five pounds naturally on my own to this day and my body has changed so much I’m in awe! I’m so in tune with my body. I know my body inside and out I listen to it for it is the shell my soul is living in. My skin lightened, my rolls became flat surfaces on my body, my legs gained muscle, my arms aren’t jiggling around every-time I moved, I wasn’t out of breath from running a mile, and lastly I wasn’t putting a girdle on to appear thinner and squeeze into that dress that I shouldn’t of bought in the first place. Today November 12th when I weighed myself this morning I am 199.0 pounds I am finally out of the 200’s club and my goal is to be (175-180) pounds and I’m twenty to thirty pounds away from my goal! It has taken hard-work and dedication and I committed my lifestyle of eating, life choices, and gym time and created a balance so that I can’t ever get off track by re-training my brain to love me and then love the person I see in the mirror. It’s a struggle each day to stay positive but I have to look back on all the things I had to come to term with and change. Change allowed me to change everything about myself and now I may not be exactly where I want to be but I am getting their each day and I get stronger each time I try something new to challenge my absent ability to do those things. I share my experience and story to inspire others to want to do better and become their better self by reinventing all the things that caused them to believe that they couldn’t! Inspire someone and be positive for the words you say to them couldn’t affect them without you knowing the actual trinkle downward effect on their lives. You’re in control of your words so please be kind!