There is such a high demand of being beautiful. But what does being beautiful mean? I have never felt truly beautiful why? Does it mean that I have to look like everyone else why do I have to be different and how do I become my own beautiful? Growing up I was very thin and always was a very active child but as I grew into my teenage years my love for food began to grow. I would say at about the age of fifteen years old I looked in the mirror and hated the image of the person I saw on the other side. Looking back I’m not sure if it was my self confidence or the fact that I didn’t have the things I thought a girl should look like which would make me beautiful I imagined.
In high school I was very popular and people seemed to really love me but I never dated anyone in high school. My friends always had boyfriends and I was either their plus one to an event or the one that was being set up with a guy that really didn’t even want to be with me. Even when being set up the guy never wanted me why? I made it clear I wasn’t that girl to have sex in high school I wanted to be pure no religious influence just my own. I still had the fairy tale in my head of losing my virginity to someone really special rather someone worth it. My friends would tell me “your just not easy enough”, “look cute they would say”, push your boobs up”. In reality I didn’t want to push my boobs up but I did because I thought it would make a guy want me but the truth was that wasn’t the person I was I didn’t want the attention on my breast. In fact I hated having breast and I didn’t want to use them for a guy to like me or want to even become my boyfriend I just wanted to be loved and for someone to take the time to just get to really know me. No one ever did at that time which made me to believe I was ugly and I appeared ok but I wasn’t and I didn’t know how to tell anyone.
When I began to gain weight it was nothing I didn’t become worried about the way I would look or the things other would say. Instead when I noticed I was getting to big my clothes stopped fitting the way they use to I started to diet at the age of seventeen or eighteen years old to start to lose weight so I could feel good again. In the hopes of becoming smaller at home some of the comments I would get were “Your eating too much”, You will never lose weight without listening to me“, “Brittany count your calories over your carbs”, “Is that what you chose to eat”, “It’s too late for you to eat now that’s why your fat”, and lastly “Your sneaking food so stop”. Every single time I heard any of those words my self confidence and honestly I lost a piece of myself I can never gain back each time I was criticized over my every choice. But why was I being ridiculed for trying to diet I was just trying to lose weight the way I thought I should I didn’t want to get hammered or hounded for every single move I made regarding my food choices. But in fact I was but my all or what I thought was best wasn’t even good enough for the person who was telling me all those things, the person had been thinking what they were saying or what they thought was best but it wasn’t. Sometimes the words and the things you say can’t be right to tell someone else just because you want to be right or it worked for you.
So I lost how to be Brittany and I lost how to have self confidence and I felt defeated every single time someone told me something negative about my appearance. I lost so many pieces of myself by hearing comments from the people I love tell me how I should look, dress, feel, and began believing that I was truly ugly I hated that girl in the mirror. I stopped looking in mirrors and my self-image decreased I went from a pants size 9 to a 16 in a year. The following year I reached my heaviest weight of 285 pounds and a pants size 18 I was in a horrible place. All the things I was told dented my self-perception, self-image and self esteem and that girl that turned into a woman WAS crushed by constant body shaming comments from the people she loved I changed. I stopped eating in public embarrassed to let others watch me eat afraid of what they would say, I stopped wearing pretty colors and stopped buying jeans I only wore one size clothing options. I didn’t know how to build myself up I spiraled into a deep depression and I changed physically, emotionally and mentally, I stopped smiling, little things didn’t make me happy, I stopped laughing suffering in silence so no one would ever notice I began to cut myself out of photos. And the question I kept asking was why would anyone notice me? What did I have to offer? Does anyone really care about me? I was lost broken and didn’t know how to repair myself and it was going to start deep within why I lost me? How could I lose me? When you lose yourself you have to break down the root of all the things that caused you to feel this way. I felt broken, scarred, emotionally damaged, useless, worthless and unrepaire(able)
Part two stay tuned